from a snowy walk in the Rattlesnake, Missoula, Montana

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Reflections on America


Recently I went back to Nebraska to visit my family and friends, having a 40 plus hour travel from Lehututu to Nebraska via 4 different types of transport gave me a lot of time to reflect on my service and my aspirations for my life. 

During my way home, I was sick-rocking a nice little sinus infection all I wanted to do was sleep, but of course no sleep came. I was struck by the random acts of kindness that some people had. On the 14 hour flight from Doha to Chicago, my seat mate kept me stocked with kleenex and water. Immediately on arrival in Chicago, I was struck by how busy and fast paced Americans are. I was struck by the rudeness of people-yes you lady in Chicago who felt the need to push me out of the way. 

During my travel home I realized that I had encountered more people than I most likely for the past year. There were so many people. One doesn’t realize how accustomed you get to a simple pace of life until you are bombarded with the “American life.”

My first week I spent mainly at home, I was still nursing my sinus infection, jet lagged like no ones business. Truthfully, the thought of actually having to make a commitment and stick to it scared the living daylights out of me. I found myself for some reason having an inability to commit or even make a plan outside of 30 minutes later. This I feel drove my family nuts. I was relying on my parents for transport and bless their hearts they had to put up with my vague scheduling notions. 

Being at home helped me realize what is important in my life and what I want in life. Truthfully, coming into the Peace Corps I had envisioned I could be perfectly happy living my life working abroad while I was young. Now I am not sure I want to. I am in no means ready to completely tie myself down and give up traveling. This I do know, living how I have been living is not how I want to live. There are many convinces in America and just as many excesses. 

Convinces I enjoyed-having a bank within two blocks of my house, drive through ATMs, fast food-love me some OSO, riding in a car and eating a bagel with cream cheese ever morning for breakfast. 

Excesses I noticed-as much as I love Target, does a person really need to have 15 different types and brands of flavored water to pick from? Actually, everywhere I went, I noticed that there were so many options to pick from. In Gabs there are options-but not like America. Coming from a place where I have one type of pasta to pick from or one fruit to pick from...having to make up my mind about the simplest of things was exceptionally hard. My mother was a saint, she dutifully and patiently waited for me while I was trying to pick out simple things like shampoo or hair product. She could sense my growing frustration mainly stemming through my anxiety of being WAY overwhelmed. I imagine this is what it is like to have a mild form of Autism--I either shut down or acted out my feelings by getting upset. 

By the end of my visit, I was finally feeling more like a person and the thought of actually making an appointment/leaving my house seemed a doable task, but unfortunately I had a plane to get on. In all honesty I didn’t get to do some of what was on my “to do” list I spent hours planning on looking forward to. I did complete and enjoy: bagels, cream cheese and good coffee, good beer, an International Feast with friends, family, breakfast and cocoa with my PaPa. Things I did not complete: getting a pedicure (the state of my feet...), massage (I just want to be touched), good pizza, sleeping in-in a real bed, enjoying fall weather. 

Getting on the plane was bittersweet. I still have no idea what I want to do next or where I want to live when I am done. I do have the motivation to power through this next year and I have some amazing projects coming up and amazing friends to get me through my low points. 

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