Doubt

Doubt (noun): a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.

Doubt: A Parable by John Patrick Shanley is a phenomenal play, most of y'all might be familiar with the movie that came out a few years ago. The play (and movie) is about doubt and how destructive doubt can be.

As a general rule, I try not to live my life with doubt. I feel like doubt is a very destructive place of mind.  Here, I have so much doubt. Doubt about everything. I feel that doubt is clouding my vision about myself and others around me.

I have always prided myself on seeing the good in all people and myself--more of a glass half full type of gal. Here more often than not, I look at situations and people with such doubt. I look at myself with such doubt.

Having multiple concurrent partners for men is common place--small houses as they are called here. It is also common for women, although less talked about. Is there any value for being monogamous? Having sexual relationships with students is very common place in the schools--both Junior and Senior schools. Male teachers proposition female students who in turn feel pressured to consent, knowing that if they don't....
Just as Sister Aloysius saw something she deemed suspicious between a student and Father Flynn,  I look at interactions between girls and older men, students and teachers in the same light.

As a young women with no children, have I gone wrong somewhere in my life not to have procreated?

I  always thought that going into the Peace Corps I would be able to narrow down my future. Now, I have no clue what is next. That feeling of doubt is compounded by being in a situation where I can't job search. But I shouldn't be job searching, I should be living in the moment.

Am I doing enough in my projects? Am I being the Peace Corps Volunteer awesome, can I do more? Should I do more?

It is as if my life has become a hazy fog of uncertainty. I need to move past the doubt, find a way to walk with certainty again. I need to tap into my internal compass, get my north star alined and....go.