Just a pretty face

I have to admit, this is not going to be a wonderfully up-lifting blog post...just a more cathartic one. Peace Corps, I wouldn't take back the past almost 10 months....But the Peace Corps is hard. Damn hard at times! I feel that the hardships are often over looked during recruitment, staging and trainings. There have been times where I questioned my sanity. I have wondered if I have a some sort of mood disorder. During my brief professional stint as a working women, I worked with clients who had MH disorders. Truthfully, I never fully could related.... I can honestly say, that I can emphasize with anyone who has a diagnosis of 296.90, 308.3...to name a few. Moods can fluctuate with a drop of a hat, the harassment of a drunk man or the unbearable heat.

I have to admit that I am heading into a downswing. I can usually tell...my zen like patience wears thin, I can't get out of bed in the morning and I have no desire to do my yoga or runs.

Recently I had a conversation with a few teachers at school, trying to explain why I don't have children, or why I do not see myself falling in love and staying in Botswana.

For as long as I can remember, I have said "of I am too young for kids" in America, no one questions that statement. Here, as a almost 27 year old women, I am still a girl because I have not reproduced. Having children gives a right of passage into the world of adulthood. After a rather frustrating conversation explaining some key cultural differences/belief differences, I started my trek home. On my walk, I started to mull over my age...almost 27...childless...virtually nothing to tie me down...Not idea things to think about when mildly depressed.

I ended up on my bed at home blubbering. For about 30 minutes. During the blubber, my mind wandered to every depressing thought about my future. Included visions of me a lone with cats and empty bottles of wine.

I have to say that my self-esteem has been beaten down to nothing here. At times I feel valued only for the fact that I have light skin and I could get someone a green card. Men here throw themselves at you, its almost spectacular...in a they never give up kind of way--no matter many times you shoot them down. I used to be a women who valued my intelligence, but now, I look in the mirror and I am just a pretty face. I am a pretty face who could make light skinned babies or bring someone to America.

Sugar daddies, small houses and transactional sex is common place in Botswana. It was even suggested to me that I need to "have a relationship" to supplement my small Peace Corps stipend. Its no wonder my self esteem has been beaten to a pulp...It is almost engrained that as a women, I am a sexual object and nothing more.

The school term has ended, we have a month off before the third and final term of the 2013 school year. I am looking forward to spending time recharging, being with friends and building up my self-worth.